If there is one thing I've learned - CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE! It's going to happen. Even if you win the lotto, buy a secluded paradise island and retire there to a life of hermit luxury, there will still be conflict in your life. The very instant you get bored the first time, or second guess your choice to be a hermit, you have taken a step towards a conflicted heart. The minute you start to remember your mistakes, berate yourself for behaviors and deeds not well done, you reflect the condition of your conflicted heart. Then of course, there are those revenge thoughts we all get...you know the ones....you are alone, it's quiet, and "so and so" pops into your head; you start to rehash and reinvent every single thing they ever did to hurt you, until you are worked up into a spiral of resentment and loathing...you even start to rehearse the ultimate put down speech. My point being, it seems to me that in order to be the kind of person who does conflict well, with grace, mercy, strength, integrity, and humility...we must first come to terms with our own hearts. We must first know who we are; what motivates us, and be honest about that. We must take the proverbial "look in the mirror", and see the telltale "beam in our own eye". If we are unable to do this, and instead, are all about face saving, or avoiding humility or the feeling of loosing, then we will never learn to do conflict well.
So, back to basics. When in a conflict, stop, look, listen. But not at the person you are in conflict with...STOP, LOOK, LISTEN AT AND TO YOURSELF
Stop...what you are doing, what you are saying and what you are demanding.
Look...at your self...your concerns, hopes, expectations, assumptions, priorities, beliefs, fears, values...ask, are they legitimate? Look to see what is in your eye? What are you so focused on getting/winning, that you are blind to possibility?
Listen....to your inner voice...and if that inner voice is skewed by messages of selfishness or entitlement, then ask to hear God's still small voice, and get quiet and listen...is your inner voice, or His still small voice trying to tell you something, maybe even something you don't want to hear, something about your motives, your tactics, your attitude, your demands, perhaps?
After you have a done an honest "stop, look and listen", then you have the grace to stop, look and listen to the other person as well. Their concerns, hopes, expectations, assumptions, priorities, beliefs, fears and values are just as valid as your own, and hopefully, with both of you taking the time to stop, look and listen, you will find your common ground.
Resolving conflict ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS starts with you. More about that next time...for now, basic lesson number one...stop, look, and listen, not to be confused with stop, drop and roll.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
reflections on conflict
Coaching
Comment moderation is enabled, so if there is a specific conflict situation you would like input and or coaching with, feel free to let me know in comments. All will be kept private unless you tell me it is ok to show.
Why Speedbumps and Icebergs?
Speedbump: a bump in the road designed to slow you down for your own safety and for the safety of others
Iceberg: a large object that floats aimlessly, without direction or intention; the portion that is seen above the surface is a mere fraction of the object's mass; that which is not seen under the surface is destructive
This is how I've come to see conflict. Conflict can have a purpose, the speedbump designed to slow you down, but if left unchecked, can result in an iceberg, with the unresolved stuff invisible below the surface having the same destructive force that sank the Titantic.
I am a working professional in my late 40's, married for 26 years to the same man, with two adult children. I am a follower of Jesus Christ...though there are some seasons that it feels like I shadow Him from a distance rather than follow close on His heels. When it comes to how we handle conflict, His examples have been my biggest inspiration.
Why conflict? Because I see such potential in understanding it and learning how to do it well. My childhood was violent and abusive; my marriage has had it's moments of lacking grace and love; I've struggled as a soul wounded mother, and even my profession is steeped in the stuff of conflict and heightened emotions. So it behooved me to try and figure it out. This blog is the culmination of what I have learned, and continue to learn on this journey towards peace filled conflict.
Iceberg: a large object that floats aimlessly, without direction or intention; the portion that is seen above the surface is a mere fraction of the object's mass; that which is not seen under the surface is destructive
This is how I've come to see conflict. Conflict can have a purpose, the speedbump designed to slow you down, but if left unchecked, can result in an iceberg, with the unresolved stuff invisible below the surface having the same destructive force that sank the Titantic.
I am a working professional in my late 40's, married for 26 years to the same man, with two adult children. I am a follower of Jesus Christ...though there are some seasons that it feels like I shadow Him from a distance rather than follow close on His heels. When it comes to how we handle conflict, His examples have been my biggest inspiration.
Why conflict? Because I see such potential in understanding it and learning how to do it well. My childhood was violent and abusive; my marriage has had it's moments of lacking grace and love; I've struggled as a soul wounded mother, and even my profession is steeped in the stuff of conflict and heightened emotions. So it behooved me to try and figure it out. This blog is the culmination of what I have learned, and continue to learn on this journey towards peace filled conflict.
Powerful reading. I needed to hear all of it. I am walking through something very painful right now. It is hard to look at yourself when everything in you is saying "its their fault". Thanks for your wisdom and look forward to more blogs.
ReplyDelete